Maybe *I'm* The Bad Tourist?

We all have our stories of the Tourist from Hell.

Tourists regularly boggle the mind, for instance, at Yellowstone National Park, 2 ½ hours north of where I live. If they’re not taking a whizz into Old Faithful or packing away baby bison in their vehicles because they looked cold, they’re marching around on delicate thermal features or sitting at the Old Faithful Visitor’s Center grumbling about the high price of ice cream and how much more they enjoyed themselves at Yosemite.

But then there are the natives.

Oh, the natives . . .

I had the audacity once to set my car alarm – a half-second honk – while visiting the Coquille River Lighthouse near Bandon, Oregon. Now I suppose I have no proof it was a native, but someone certainly left a pre-printed note on the dashboard just in a fit about the half-second “fart” my cart made when I set the alarm because I was causing noise pollution. Never mind that the foghorn from the lighthouse was louder. Never mind that the waves hitting the beach and the seagulls overhead were louder. MY CAR FARTED and I was being called out. Anonymously.

So whatever.

So when I read about the horrors New Zealand is allegedly suffering at the hands of a marauding pack of possibly English tourists, I had to wonder: Are they as bad as they were made out to be, or are we seeing a combination of Bad Tourist meeting with Bad Native?

I’m tempted to say the latter.

Not because the tourists haven’t behaved badly. But it seems to me the folks in New Zealand have jumped on the “These People are Terrible” bandwagon to the point that it almost feels like harassment. Read this story and tell me you’d like to be treated this way.

No new bad behavior to report. Except on the part of natives reporting on this family’s every move and warning business owners that the trash is in the house.

Ah, you say. They were on good behavior because they’d been spotted out! I’m watching you, Wazowski, always watching!

Balderdash.

They got caught doing nothing terrible in particular, and the people of New Zealand felt a little disappointed. Because these people should be Bad Tourists every step of the way and provide more tongue-clucking entertainment for the locals.

About 90 percent of the time, folks, when I encounter a Bad Tourist at Yellowstone National Park, a big part of the problem . . . is me. I see one or two instances of “bad” behavior and then, as trip dynamics go, I tend to see the same folks at different places all day long. And the next day. And the next day. So I become quickly attuned to watching for additional bad behavior, and sometimes I’m rewarded and MMMMMMM look they’re being Bad Tourists again! Yummy!

And sometimes it’s my attitude that causes me to look past their ordinary behavior. Or inflate some minor slight into Bad Tourist things.

So I’m part of the problem.

Yes, my car did fart.

So the rest of that trip, I did not cause my car to fart. If that’s all it takes to keep the peace, it’s a small price to pay, right?