Red One: A Review

Before the movie scrolled, I made a prediction:

Skeptical kid turns into pseudo Santa-napper.

Has his own delinquent kid.

Meanwhile, Santa's right-hand man is quitting.

Prediction: Santa-napper has a Grinch-like heart attack, rescues Santa, becomes his new right-hand-man, his own kid sees the light, the crappy little elves dance around like little green idiots, I puke, the end.

Or maybe not. Time will tell.

I was, of course, proved wrong.

But if you want to talk about a movie where there's little to no discernible character arcs, then this is the one.

First: The Rock's character. I can't even remember his name. He starts off resigning his job, saying the magic is gone. He gets totallly fooled by the bad guys, buys a Monopoly game he tells another character to hold onto because they're going to need it, drives a lot of Chevys, then turns into a wuss at the end and takes his job back because -- he saw another character talking with his son. I should admit that the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots he picks up along with the Monopoly board do appear as a plot device later in the film. And the Chevys, well, they *did* need transportation, so . . . 

Second: Jack O'Malley. Played by someone I don't know. The black hat guy who helped the Christmas Witch! track down Santa Claus' massive toy production facility at the North Pole because, well, I guess the North Pole is really big and the Christmas Witch's gnarly powers aren't gnarly enough to know where Santa is. He was a delinquent kid. He has his own delinquent kid. They get captured by the Christmas Witch's bad ju-ju magic, but figure out how to get out of it about sixty second after being caught. They reconcile, I guess, though I don't really know; they don't dwell on mushy relationships here when there are PUNCHES to be MADE.

Those are the two characters where development was expected. Development was virtually nonexistent.

It's almost like I wrote the story, it's that underdeveloped. So a good lesson for me as a writer.

Verdict: The film had its moments, but it's generally unforgettable and not one I need ever watch again. For the as-viewed blow-by-blow, go here.