They guy who wins is going to be cheered by his side, booed by the others.
If one guy wins, supporters of the other will immediately dig up plans they had to move out of the United States when the last guy from that party won, but they never actually got around to moving because, you know, they couldn’t find enough cardboard boxes.
If the other guy wins, supporters of the first guy will go
out and buy lots of guns and ammunition like they do after every election
because the guy who won either is the devil incarnate who is going to take away
their guns or one of those namby-pambies who will try to strip away their
Constitutional right to tow howitzers into hunting zones.
The national news media will spend a lot of time babbling
about potentialities as maps with various shades of blue and red on them light
up and dim and change and get all excited as the projections – not the actual
votes, you see – come in. They will repeat over and over again that this
election is as completely unprecedented as were the multitude of other
completely unprecedented elections that, well, precedented them. On the more
partisan channels, legs will be thrilled, code words spoken and eminently
helpful phrases like the Magic Negro and the Magic Underpants will be said,
depending on whether they’re talking about the racists or the facists or the
watheritisists that are driving the other party to victory/condemning the other
party to ignominious defeat.
The local media will interview various random local boobs
who will say they either hate the guy they didn’t vote for or really like the
guy they voted for when really all they did was go in and vote for the guy with
the funniest name. And what the hell were all those ballot initiatives and
local races doing there, when we’re supposed to be there picking a president?
All that stuff was confusing and I never heard a word about it even though the
local news stations ran commentaries and stories and polls about them, even
though the candidates and the issue-pushers flooded the airwaves and newspapers
with advertisements and even though their signs popped up all over the place
like mushrooms “there wasn’t much talk about it, at least with the people I
know,” some local boob will say.
A lot of people will talk about the Electoral College and
since it didn’t hand their guy the victory/handed their guy victory it should
be abolished/cherished as an institution enshrined in the Constitution and
perhaps taken out to a congratulatory dinner at Denny’s in thanks for pulling
through.
Half of the country will walk around resembling a thousand
pounds of smug in a five-pound bag while the other half will try to walk
around, chins up, thinking that four years isn’t all that long of a time and
will actually be looking forward to the next election until, in a moment of
clarity, they realize that whoever is in the White House it’s not going to
alter the fact that Christmas will soon be upon us, bringing with it the thrill
of Black Friday, incessant Christmas carols, more credit card debt and hells
bells let’s just end it all now.
Pundits will point out that the losing party spiraled into a
no-win situation because their guy lost the first debate/shipped their dog 650
miles strapped to the top of their car in a cage and spend the next thirty seconds
contemplating their navels before moving on to other topics worthy of
navel-contemplation, such as boy the losers really did suck, didn’t they? In so
many words.
Pluto, meanwhile, will once again have a reason to be happy
it was expelled from Sol’s family of planets, given the number of loons on that
third rock from the sun.
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