Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My Election Prediction

They guy who wins is going to be cheered by his side, booed by the others.

If one guy wins, supporters of the other will immediately dig up plans they had to move out of the United States when the last guy from that party won, but they never actually got around to moving because, you know, they couldn’t find enough cardboard boxes.

If the other guy wins, supporters of the first guy will go out and buy lots of guns and ammunition like they do after every election because the guy who won either is the devil incarnate who is going to take away their guns or one of those namby-pambies who will try to strip away their Constitutional right to tow howitzers into hunting zones.

The national news media will spend a lot of time babbling about potentialities as maps with various shades of blue and red on them light up and dim and change and get all excited as the projections – not the actual votes, you see – come in. They will repeat over and over again that this election is as completely unprecedented as were the multitude of other completely unprecedented elections that, well, precedented them. On the more partisan channels, legs will be thrilled, code words spoken and eminently helpful phrases like the Magic Negro and the Magic Underpants will be said, depending on whether they’re talking about the racists or the facists or the watheritisists that are driving the other party to victory/condemning the other party to ignominious defeat.

The local media will interview various random local boobs who will say they either hate the guy they didn’t vote for or really like the guy they voted for when really all they did was go in and vote for the guy with the funniest name. And what the hell were all those ballot initiatives and local races doing there, when we’re supposed to be there picking a president? All that stuff was confusing and I never heard a word about it even though the local news stations ran commentaries and stories and polls about them, even though the candidates and the issue-pushers flooded the airwaves and newspapers with advertisements and even though their signs popped up all over the place like mushrooms “there wasn’t much talk about it, at least with the people I know,” some local boob will say.

A lot of people will talk about the Electoral College and since it didn’t hand their guy the victory/handed their guy victory it should be abolished/cherished as an institution enshrined in the Constitution and perhaps taken out to a congratulatory dinner at Denny’s in thanks for pulling through.

Half of the country will walk around resembling a thousand pounds of smug in a five-pound bag while the other half will try to walk around, chins up, thinking that four years isn’t all that long of a time and will actually be looking forward to the next election until, in a moment of clarity, they realize that whoever is in the White House it’s not going to alter the fact that Christmas will soon be upon us, bringing with it the thrill of Black Friday, incessant Christmas carols, more credit card debt and hells bells let’s just end it all now.

Pundits will point out that the losing party spiraled into a no-win situation because their guy lost the first debate/shipped their dog 650 miles strapped to the top of their car in a cage and spend the next thirty seconds contemplating their navels before moving on to other topics worthy of navel-contemplation, such as boy the losers really did suck, didn’t they? In so many words.

Pluto, meanwhile, will once again have a reason to be happy it was expelled from Sol’s family of planets, given the number of loons on that third rock from the sun.

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