Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The Top Ten Reasons I Would NOT Want to be A Presidential Candidate

10. Suffering through the agony of waking early every morning to scan the headlines and pertinent websites in order to know what I’m supposed to be outraged about or likely expected to comment on in an ever-shifting squirrel-like attention span world.

9. Knowing that the picture of me in the pink bunny suit is going to show up in an opponent’s attack ad with the caption: WOULD YOU WANT THIS MAN FOR PRESIDENT?

9a. Knowing I was elected by a majority of voters who watched that attack ad, saw the photo, and said “Why the hell not?”

8. Being considered “statesman-like” after I lose the election, but clownish before the voting takes place.

7. Having to treat any of the major news networks seriously.

6. Figuring out, if elected, how I would out-Putin Vladimir Putin.

5. Battling image consultants who would object to my daily desire to go without shaving and appear in public wearing a ratty Disney’s Haunted Mansion t-shirt and homemade felt pajama pants.

4. And socks with sandals.

3. Not being left off the hook if I answer any debate question or news question with a “Damned if I know.”

3a. Knowing I was elected by a majority of voters who watched the debate or news segment where I answered that question and said “That’s my boy.”

2. Being forced to attend fundraisers, $10,000-a-plate dinners and other such events and having to pretend to enjoy myself when I’d really rather be home watching  “Big Baby” on YouTube.

1. The possibility – remote as it is – that I might win and have to take on that crap job for four years.

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