Jocularity, Jocularity . . .

In this time of trouble and woe, we have to step back and look at the big picture: Which is the best Father Mulcahy story from MASH?

First, read the stories. Then vote in the comments below.

Story No. 1:

Father Mulcahy: [After being pulled out from the latrine when it collapsed on him] Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree. I said you can't make a pie out of crabapples and she said, I learned how in the Girl Scouts.

Hawkeye: He's OK, just a little dazed.

Father Mulcahy: She used brown sugar and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good we ate it all before dinner.

Hawkeye: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.

Father Mulcahy: Mommy came in and said, 'What the hell is going on here?' [Looks at Klinger, who is in drag.] I remember, Mommy, you know that's the first time I ever heard you swear.

Analysis: I chuckle at this for the same reason most chuckle at it, as Father Mulcahy is simply continuing his conversation with Col. Blake from before the latrine collapse. In his dazed state, however, the story takes on a babbling form that even involves Klinger as his mother.

Story No. 2:

Frank Burns: Have you ever given a lecture about temperance, Father? About the evils of drink?

Father Mulcahy: Uh, no. On the troop ship, I was once asked to give a lecture on the, uh, sex thing.

Frank Burns: Oh, good.

Father Mulcahy: Well, being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They brought in a Protestant. He had a film, about two sailors. One was from Cleveland ostensibly, the other from a small, rural area. The city boy decided to stay on the ship and write his high-school sweetheart. Lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.

Frank Burns: Father, please. This is important.

Father Mulcahy: The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip.

Frank Burns: Father?

Father Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.

Analysis: Obviously it’s his wandering delivery mixed with curiosity that nails the one to the wall.