Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bring on the General Election . . . or Lethal Injections, I Don't Care Which

This post is a little late, considering the primary elections are over. But just in case any of the three regular readers (yes, I discovered over the weekend that I have yet one more loyal reader, thank you) are considering a run for the public office where I may be enticed to vote, here are a few things to consider:

I’m a sucker for anyone who’ll visit me face-to-face. Knock on my door and talk to me for a while and your chances of getting my vote soar.

I’m not a pushover for a face-to-face visit, however, so behave yourself. Above all, don’t remind me that you’re a proto-politician. A few years ago, a woman running for a city council position where I live visited and asked if she could put a campaign sign up in our yard because we happen to live across the street from the son of her political rival. Guess what our answer was. Guess who we didn’t vote for.

Do not, under any circumstances, call me on the phone with one of those “Hi, I’m (insert name here) and I’m running for (insert political office here)” recordings. I listen to them long enough to memorize your name. Then I go out on Election Day and vote for your opponent. Even if your opponent was found guilty in those machete slayings. If you want my vote, have the guts to talk to me in person. But remember the advice in No. 2 above.

Don’t assume I’ll vote for you because of your party affiliation. This goes equally for the liberal wieners to the right-wing nut jobs.

Don’t tell me you’re running to represent me unless you’re going to call on me personally for every action you take, if elected, and then follow my advice to the letter. We live in a republic, not a democracy, remember.

If you run ads in the local newspaper, personally proofread them. I won’t hold you personally responsible for the errors in your ads unless you don’t act to correct them. In this election cycle, I considered voting for the opponent to our incumbent sheriff because the sheriff was running ads begging voters not “to be mislead.” Someone corrected the typo, so he got my vote. Remember, it’s the little, absolutely anal things that count. (Side note: A few years ago, the local paper I happened to be working for at the time misspelled the name of our state governor in an ad for the Republican Party. This ad was personally supervised by a psychotic production coordinator who, just the week prior, had railed on the news staff for errors in our copy. Justice has never, ever been as sweet.)

Most importantly, once the election is over, GO OUT AND TAKE DOWN YOUR DAMN ELECT ME SIGNS, no matter if you won or lost. I want them off my commuter landscape. Now. And if you’re running unopposed at the general election, don’t put them up again.

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