Monday, April 3, 2017

The Wisdom of Jimmy James

Jimmy: Look at Disney. If the Hunckback is running a deficit, you’d think Mickey Mouse would bail him you? Hell, no!
Dave: What about Scrooge McDuck? He’s the one with all the money.
Jimmy: No, no, no. Ducks hate hunchbacks.

Bill: Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish . . .
Jimmy:  . . . and he’ll spend all his time in the basement tying flies and neglecting his personal hygiene.

Jimmy: That’s the kind of mindless optimism that got the Donner Party its place in history.

Joe: Sir, the Sears Building is 110 stories. Is 200 even feasible?
Jimmy: I’ve got two words for you, Joe. Mon-ey, and lots of it.

Jimmy: I tell you what, let me show you something. [Takes a photo from his pocket] Are you ready?
Matthew: Yeah.
Jimmy: No, I don’t think you’re ready.
Matthew: Yeah, I am.
Jimmy: Okay. Who’s that? [Shows photo to Matthew]
Matthew: Oh no.
Jimmy: Yep, that is me with a mustache. I carry this around with me whenever I can, so if I ever get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this and damn near throw up.

Jimmy: [Reading from his book] I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribbonned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung.

Jimmy: No, Bill, it’s not just about the almighty dollar. It’s also about the plucky little dime, the omniscient nickel, and the ferocious quarter.

Jimmy: What was the Constitution of the United States?
Lisa: A document . .
Jimmy: No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! “When in the course of human events,” I’m telling ya, that’s right up there with “Put a Tiger in Your Tank” and “Where’s the Beef?”

Jimmy: Hell, I haven’t read a comic strip ever since I realized Beetle Bailey wasn’t actually going to shoot anybody.

Dave: Sure, we’ve all wanted to kill Matthew, but what good would that do?
Jimmy: It would make him dead.

Jimmy James: What’s on your mind?
Dave: Two things. Well, first, I want you to promise me when my time is up here, you’ll tell me yourself and not have my replacement fire me.
Jimmy: What’s the second thing?
Dave: Well, uh, I wanted to let you know that I understand now what you put me through today was a test.
Jimmy: Could be. Or, it could be I’m just making it all up as I go along.
Dave: Which is it?
Jimmy: You’ll never know.

Jimmy: It’s an old business ploy. You intimidate the guy you’re dealing with my eating like a slob.
Dave: And . . . that’s effective?
Jimmy: Oh, hell yes! I’ve cut millions off of deals by eating baked beans with my hands.

Jimmy James: You guys remember that secret employee evaluation I did last week?
Dave: No.
Jimmy: You see all those people secretly evaluating everything you did?
Lisa: No.
Jimmy: Good.

Beth: What was the saddest movie you ever saw?
Jimmy: Oh, “Wall Street,” where the guy loses all the money.

Dave: Sir, you’re leaving?
Jimmy: Dave, you don’t put a piranha in the kiddie pool and stick around to watch the bubbles.

Jimmy: Dave, don’t mess with a guy with a Wayback machine. I can make it so you were never born.

Bill: Just a practical question at this junction, if I may?
Jimmy: Go ahead.
Bill: Hasn’t this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
Jimmy: Well, why the hell do you think I’m doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Jimmy: When I have a bee in my bonnet, I find it helps if I take off my hat.
Dave: Meaning?
Jimmy: Meaning I take my hat off and the bee flies away. What, do I have to draw you a picture?

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