Flobar to the Rescue

NOTE: This bit of useless writing was inspired by a lament on a friend's Facebook thread to turn a discussion over the actual function of hair conditioner into a poorly-written action novel, using the post comments as dialogue. We all know I can do poorly-written.

Per and Angelique dove down the concrete stairs into the subway. "A little further! A little further! Then we'll be safe from the fallout!" Angelique screamed.

"It's lucky the dating service matched me with a nuclear physicist, on this day of days," Per said, his massive pectoral muscles heaving underneath his business suit.

They rounded a corner and Angelique screeched to a halt. "Oh, you don't know how lucky we are, Per. Quick! Into that salon!"

Per obliged. "Finally, in my element," he said. Angelique began grabbing bottles of shampoo. "It's not as good as Flobar, but it could save our lives! Detergent is perfect for washing away every radioactive particle that may fall out of the air and stick to our skin oils!"

"Forget the conditioner!" Per yelled. "Following a nuclear blast, hair conditioner could make it easy for tiny radioactive particles in the air to stick inside microscopic crevices that cover the surface of each strand of hair between scales of hair protein!"

"But you'll lose your fluff," Angelique said, running her fingers through his long luxurious Swedish hair. "I LURVE your fluff."

"We'll all have to make sacrifices," he said, and drew her close.

"WAIT! That sushi bar!" She yelled. "If we eat all the seaweed in the sushi bar, we'll ingest enough iodine to protect us from the radioactive iodine in the air!"

"I love you," Per said. And for a brief moment, as the atomic wind howled at the end of the staircase they would not ascend until after the apocalypse, they found peace.

"I still think we should take some conditioner, " she said. "Because fluff."

"We can use almost anything for conditioner," Per said. "It's easy enough to test even. Alkaline opens the hairshaft, acid closes it. The best conditioners are acidic. You can even use vinegar as conditioner."

"That settles it," she said. "When this is over and we're back in a world where civil defense symposiums are again the norm, I'll recommend hair stylists be included on emergency planning committees." She flung aside a wad of seaweed and ran her fingers through Per's hair. "I will so miss the fluff," she whispered into his ear.

"I don't condition," he whispered back. "Opening the hair shaft dries out and damages your hair."