Yellowstone National Park, 2018 Notes

A few close-to-midnight observations about Yellowstone National Park, from a guy who just got back after a three-day visit there with a wife, three teenagers, two dogs, and a hard KOA Kampground tent site to sleep in:

1. YNP is poorly maintained. The rivers run through mud and everything.

2. Wiener dogs really hate buffalo.

3. You will think of things to say to each other, like "I wonder if my wife still has that pole up her keister? I think I'll ask her."*

4. You'll notice your son has a distinctive lolloping walk when you see him eerily appear out of nowhere at the end of a long alley at the KOA when you're sent late at night to retrieve them from the pool.

5. If you bring dogs into YNP, they'll give you instructions on where they're welcome and where they're not. And a Milk-Bone apiece, so you can either give them to your dogs or keep them in your pockets in case some guy brings a cougar to your party and it goes berserk.

6. Buffalo do not care if you need to get through the park on the last day and make it to Ashton before 10 pm so you can have dinner at Bid Jud's. They will stand in the middle of your lane of traffic and stare at the barking weenie dog in your lap.

7. Mammoth Hot Springs have seen better days.

8. When your daughter wants to take a photo of your wife to make it appear that she has antlers as you pose her in front of a skeletal bush in the middle distance, someone will walk into the frame and stand right in front of your wife and wave their camera around for (no kidding) ten minutes as they take pictures of what appear to be errant oxygen molecules.

9. Buffalo appear indifferent to whatever music you might have playing, even if it's "Hooked on a Feeling" including the opening hooga-chakas.

10. Ravens like strawberries.

11. Watching a park ranger pull out behind you just as you came out of a 45 mph zone going 60 will give you that same sinking feeling you get if it were a cop. No ticket, however. At least today.

12. You'll remember the time when a much younger version of your family was at Newberry National Monument in Oregon and startled your daughter into leaping into the air and shouting "WHERE?" when you absently mention *that* particular spot up there is likely where the lava came out, and she thought you were talking in the present.

13. It's perfectly acceptable to walk past people taking photos with cell phones, because it's about 99% likely they're taking selfies.

14. I appreciated going three days and hearing Donald Trump's name mentioned only once.

15. You know one of your dogs had a successful trip when she's flopped over in her basement bed, eyes half closed as you type, with a rawhide chewie sticking out of her mouth.

16. We passed a place called "Alum Creek." I wanted to stop and drink the water but I was afraid this would happen.

*You won't actually SAY things like this, but you'll think them.