Suburban Workout

Good workout idea:

LEGS:

1. Buy a two-story home with full basement.

2. Take tools to the upstairs master bathroom to fix leaking shower valve.

3. Go all the way downstairs, shut off water.

4. Go all the way upstairs.

5. Go all the way downstairs to retrieve forgotten Phillips screwdriver.

6. Go all the way upstairs.

UPPER BODY:

1. Strain for ten minutes to remove shower valve from wall.

2. Remove pajama pants so you can kneel in the tub without getting pants wet.

3. Strain for another five minutes.

4. Go to the kitchen, only partly clothed, startle 16-year-old doing homework with your hairy legs, retrieve forgotten pliers.

3. Go back upstairs, remove copper restraining clip, remove valve in a trice.

LEGS:

1. Go all the way downstairs, startle 12-year-old with your hairy legs, turn on water, wait for five seconds. Hopefully, that's long enough to dislodge broken rubber washer from previous valve that was preventing new valve from shutting completely.

2. Turn water back off. Go all the way upstairs.

UPPER BODY:

1. Fist pump when you see dislodged washer fragment in the bathtub.

2. Put valve back in wall, straining for ten minutes to do so.

3. Replace copper restraining clip.

4. Replace handle, and wonder why it freewheels 360 degrees when it used to stop at 180.

5. Remove handle, replace chrome handle stopper.

6. Replace handle.

LEGS:

1. Run all the way back downstairs, turn on water.

2. Run all the way upstairs to observe valve still leaking slightly, but not nearly as bad as it was before. Tap valve. It shuts off.

3. Abandon tools in bathroom for cleanup later.

4. Run all the way downstairs.

COOL DOWN:

1. Post about it on Facebook.

That was a good half-hour workout. Who says men in suburbia don't exercise?