Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bad Guy Things

Nothing about Second Life today. Nothing about job stress (Though I did have an interview for a new writing job today. Didn't totally botch it, so I may have a chance). Something light is needed. Something I call

Bad Guy Things

How would you like to be
the bad guy's horse?

Getting' whipped all the time
faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
Not many oats
and definitely no carrots

And while he's countin' the treasure
or kissin' the women
you're out in the stable
with the propositionin' donkeys
and the drunken stable boy.

How would you like to be
the bad guy's clothes?

So drab and black
smellin' of smoky disappearin' powder
never get washed
and always get caught
in the machinery
or the shark's mouth
when the baddie gets done in.

How would you like to be
the bad guy's sidekick?

Comic relief, sure that's fun
sometimes you get the best lines
and the little kids love you
because you're the stupid one.

But you still get stuck with the baddie
and have to break rocks in prison
or share the eternity
of the genie's lamp
no matter how many laughs you got.

How would you like to be
the bad guy?

Get the girl
until the stupid hero shows up.

Slink around in passages inside the castle walls
scare little children
do nasty bad guy things
make the poisoned apple
torture the prisoners
sit on the throne
while your dumb cronies dance around you
always have a plan
always have that plan foiled.

And have a moustache
and probably never change your underwear.

And no matter how dastardly you've been
that goody-goody
with the fairy godmother
and the forest animals that help out
She gets the happy ending
and leaves you to the wolves
or with a sword stickin' out
or in the insane asylum
wearin' that funny jacket.

Stupid heroes.
Without the bad guys
and our bad guy things
you haven't got the giant
the nasty tiger
the necromancer
the ring
or the story.

So as we Bad Guys are fond of saying:
Nyaah! Nyaah! Nyaah!

1 comment:

Maaike said...

I still have the original version of this you typed when you were just a wee lad! I like the additions.

Now, you just have to remember to sing Bert's love song...something like "I'm gonna take your eyes, baby! Lovely shape and size, Baby!" Or is it no longer PC to take your Muppet lover's eyes until they "Say you love me too!"?