Sunday, June 8, 2008

Hillary, Hillary

So Hillary Clinton has suspended her race for the Democratic nomination and endorsed Barack Obama. Probably with the kind of grin on her face that would make small children flee her presence.

Not that anyone else can't produce such a grin. I'm sure Mitt Romney wore such a grin when he endorsed John McCain for the good of the Grand Old Party. I've got to admit I find it very hypocritical of political candidates to endorse the other once one has clearly lost the race. They've spent the entire race baiting each other, sniping at each other, jumping on their gaffes and missteps and basically telling everyone who'll listen that their opponent is dumber than a rock. Then they turn around and say, all sweetness and light, that "for the good of the party," their opponent now east butterflies and poops rainbows. Yuck. Get them off me! Get them off me!

Here's how I'd rather these situations go:

The scene: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton meet just prior to Hillary's concession speech. They meet in some dank greenroom backstage.

HILLARY: So, Barack.

BARACK: Yeah, Hillary.

HILLARY: Just gotta say, you ran a nice, uh, I mean, it was hard-run, um, what I mean to say is . . . your ears are too damn big. Stick out like Mater's mirrors.

BARACK: Just as civil as always, you buck-toothed honkey-donkey!

HILLARY: Yeah, Jeremiah Wright a lot about civility, eh Barack?

BARACK: Just as much as Bill can teach us about morality. So, seen Monica lately?

HILLARY: You dirty little . . .

BARACK: What? Lose your blue-collar swear words?

HILLARY: Elitist pimp.

BARACK: Oooh, that hurt.

HILLARY: Go cling to some Bibles and guns, Barack. See how well you do in the general!

BARACK: Say Hi to Bobby for me.

HILLARY: Don't suppose we could exchange a fist-tap --

BARACK: Absolutely not.

But we'll never see it that way, will they? Rainbows and butterflies, after the slime. That's the American way.

I've got to admit I'm glad it's over. Now we can look forward to a civil general election, followed by a civil Lame Duck period for George W. Bush, and, at the same, time, Osama bin Laden will surrender at a National Rifle Association in San Antonio, Texas, your average American will realize that the French have many redeeming qualities, and gasoline will drop to 12 cents a gallon.

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