Saturday, October 31, 2009

Attention World: FIX THIS STUFF NOW!

In honor of Alice "Blammy K. Blammo" Otterloop and her endearing self-centeredness, I, too will declare what in this world annoys me, the center of it all:
  1. Vampires, both sexpotty and weepingly abstinent.
  2. Zombies, fast or slow.
  3. Warts.
  4. This ginormous pile of "to be read" books on my desk.
  5. Crowds.
  6. Big crowds.
  7. Carpet stains.
  8. Pop music, because not even that can save us now from the vampires that arrive in a parcel, in the kitchen, via hate mail.
  9. KLCE.
  10. All those damn laaa dee daaah I'm a free spirit songs they play on KLCE.
  11. Did I mention pop music?
  12. Sci-fi movies with happy endings. I want more 70s sci-fi, where men fought their own inner demons with cigars and cynicism; or fought apes, and always lost.
  13. Sentences that make me go back and have to punctuate and augment with verbs in order for them to make sense. Because I almost had men fighting their own inner demons with cigars, cynicism, AND apes.
  14. My shed. It's time to clean it out again. Anyone have some dynamite?
  15. The number fifteen. It's so namby-pamby. There is NO ROOM for middle ground between ten and twenty. Choose or perish.
  16. And number sixteen isn't much better.
  17. That overwhelming desire to head to Deseret Industries to buy more books even though we have so many books at home already it's likely to explode at any minute.
  18. Unclear antecedents.
  19. The short phone cord at work that almost always makes the phone fall off the desk when I'm sitting back in my chair talking on the phone and twirling around so as to increase my concentration.
  20. Lists that go past twenty items without any logical reason.
  21. The disparity between how good I sound singing along to the songs on my iPod and how bad I sound singing songs without iPoddy assistance.
  22. That someone has engaged in symmetrical CD stacking on my desk. No human being stacks CDs like this.
  23. Interviews the movie stars or singers in which they stray from movie stardom or singing and offer me their "philosophy of life." If I thought what your philosophy of life were interesting, I'd be stalking you.
  24. Children who have to be dragged out of bed with grappling hooks attached to a squadron of Pulling Hippos to get out of bed for school, but who awake their parents with demands for breakfast or fights over toys starting at 7 am on Saturday.
  25. My compulsion to cling to paper. I still have copies of phone bills we paid in 1996.
  26. Lists that end on a milestone number, like 25.
To offer evidence that I'm not just a selfish bastard, I should point this out: I spent a few hours yesterday building a dog house, complete with waterproof roof, for a stray dog living in our alley. He slept in it last night.

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