Bad Guy Things

NOTE: An old poem. I still think I could re-work this into a childrens' book. Anybody know a good illustrator?

Bad Guy Things

How’d you like to be the bad guy’s horse?

Gettin’ whipped all the time
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
Not many oats
and definitely no carrots.
While he’s countin’ the treasure
or kissin’ the women
you’re out in the stable
with the propositioning donkeys and the drunk stable boy.

How’d you like to be the bad guy’s clothes?

Drab and black.
Smellin’ of smoky disappearin’ powder
among other things.
And always gettin’ caught in machinery
or the shark’s mouth when the baddie gets done in.

How would you like to be the bad guy’s sidekick?

Comic relief, sure that’s fun.
Sometimes you get the best lines.
And the little kids love you
because you’re the stupid one.
But you still get stuck with the baddie
and have to break rocks in prison
or share the eternity in the genie’s lamp
no matter how many laughs you got.

How would you like to be the bad guy?

Get the girl until the hero shows up.
Slink around in passages inside the castle walls.
Scare little children.
Do nasty bad guy things.
Have a moustache.
And probably never change your underwear.
And no matter how dastardly you’ve been
that goody-goody with the fairy godmother
or the helpful forest creatures
has the happily ever after ending
and leaves you to the wolves
with a sword sticking out of your back
or in the insane asylum wearing that funny jacket.

Stupid heroes.
Without us bad guys and our bad guy things,
you haven’t got the giant
you haven’t got the nasty tiger
you haven’t got the story.

You need us to prove you’re heroes
or you’d have never gotten out of that job
at the pig farm in the first place.

So as we bad guys are fond of saying:

Nyaah! Nyaah! Nyaah!