Ever Try to Breathe Through A Wart?

It’s the Curies! We must flee!

(Apologies it's not in English, but that's what the folks under attack by Pierre and Marie say in English.)

Ever want to feel like a fool? Research the ingredients on the homeopathic medicine you’re taking. Especially if you want to feel like a slightly radioactive, cobra-venom-poisoned fool.

First of all, you may ask, why take homeopathic remedies in the first place? Maybe because the lemon juice and peppermint concoction I took all last spring and summer meant only two days of mild allergy symptoms, no allergy pills that left my fingertips numb and tingly, all while others who suffer the same kinds of allergies I do reported an average allergy year. (We're scheduled to begin our lemon/peppermint regimen for this year starting this weekend.)

So that worked. But the jury’s still out on the wart remedy I’m taking right now.

I’ve been taking Tumorell for about two weeks now, and can’t say much of it. That is a short time, of course. I’ve used OTC wart-removal methods, ranging from the paint-on salicyclic acid compounds to the freeze-your-warts-off-and-save kits. Neither worked well. Oh, the warts shrink and seem to go away, but they always come back and, like Sand People, in greater numbers. We also went the lavender route while skipping down Homeopathy Lane, but that hasn’t seemed to work, either. So when Tumorell was recommended, we thought, what the heck. Can’t be any worse than what we’ve already tried.

Uh huh. Like I said, so far, no success.

What’s this stuff supposed to do, I wondered. So I did a little research on the active ingredients. What I’ve discovered is a confusing mish-mash that may leave me slightly more radioactive after all is said and done, but still with a warty left thumb. I am, however, willing to give this stuff more time before I pass total judgment.

Here’s what’s in the foul liquid I’m taking:

Scrophularia nodosa. First of all, not an ingredient to inspire confidence, as it sounds like a remedy Grampa Simpson might recommend. It’s from a plant called the carpenter’s square. They don’t really come out and say it, but it sounds like it’s valued for its alkaloid properties – which is fine, since the OTC wart remedies rely on changing the pH around the wart enough to kill the virus that causes them.

Then there’s acidium lacticium – lactic acid for the common folk. It’s a naturally-occurring acid found in milk. Seems OK, but counterproductive to the alkaloid in the first ingredient, since acids and alkalods tend to neutralize each other.

Then there’s this: radium bromatum. Radium bromide, for those familiar with chemistry. This is a radium salt that famously left a burn on Marie Curie’s arm that took more than a month to heal. And I’m taking this internally. Whee. It, too, seems to want to play with pH, but also introduce that radiation curative that did the Curies so well. Yes, radioactivity is used to battle cancer, but it seems a bit steep to take on mere warts. It’s also supposed to ward off much flatulence. So let me see, radioactivity or flatulence? Which should I pick . . .

Then there’s naja tripudians. I’m not quite sure what it does. I do know, however, that it’s derived from Indian cobra venom. Yeah, radioactivity and snake poison. I’ll either be cured or the butt end of a sad joke like this:

Lawyer: I’m suing a doctor on my client’s behalf.
Other Person: Why?
Lawyer: He went in to have a wart on his nose removed, and when he awoke, it was gone.
Other Person: What’s wrong with that?
Lawyer: Ever try to breathe through a wart?