Thursday, March 11, 2010

Homey Don't Play Politics

I’m going to start my own political party. I will get elected to some office somewhere. And other than insisting that the “Washington Post March” be played every time I enter the room or am interviewed on television, I will insist that the media add a “C” after my name, like this:

Homey D. Clown, C, Wherever.

Our campaign symbol will be noneother than Homey D. Clown. Our platform will be this:

Whatever you want, you can’t have it, unless you’re damn well willing to get a bap on the head because of your big mouth.

Our motto: Homey Don’t Play Dat.

It’s not the Clown Party. It’s the Contrarian Party.

That’s pretty much how politics works these days anyway: Whatever one party wants, the other party will work hard to ensure the first party doesn’t get what they want. And vice versa, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, until we all get hit on the head and forget where we’re going.

The Contrarian Party will work like this: You want something. Really badly. Really, really badly. So badly you got yourself elected, or are one of those really creepy people who hang out at the legislature or city council chamber. You write up a bill, go on (or get) a pundit show or say something really intelligent like “If this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented -- I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica,” then Homey comes out of the woodwork, baps you on the head and says “Homey don’t play dat.”

Or you want national health care and want to do it with a bill that’s generally unpopular, and you want to do it using a parliamentary procedure that, when used by your opponents, causes you to retch and write and call them scum. Enter Homey, bap, you don’t play dat, neither.

What will get passed? I don’t know, but it’ll probably involve a Size 12 clown foot on your ass. The contrarian party isn't about getting laws passed, or health reformed, or guns concealed and packed at all times. It's simply truth in advertising: You want contrariness and confrontational politics? You'll get it from us, and nothing but.

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