A Message to Atheists

Hey diddeley ho, neighbor!

I, for one, am truly, truly sorry that someone who holds religious beliefs

a) Waved them in your face

b) Suggested you come to church with him/her

c) Repeatedly suggested you come to church with him/her

d) Quoted the Bible/Book of Mormon/Quran at you

e) Asked where you go to church

f) Dared express his/her religious beliefs in a setting other than church (i.e., politics)

g) Sat next to you on the bus

h) Breathed your oxygen

i) Farted in your general direction

j) Shamefully hid behind the First Amendment

k) Did not abandon their beliefs even after your cunning and logical argument against said beliefs

Yes, there are religious bungholes out there screaming racial epithets, straining to stone gays, protesting funerals with oh-so-amusing signs and purporting to tell everyone whom God hates and loves, but please remember this: They are the minority. As in a microscopic minority that gets played up in the news media because the news media love anyone who’s batshiat crazy and prone to wearing stupid costumes or waving dumb signs in public.

But until you're willing to refrain for indulging in any of the items on this list to express your own beliefs, may I suggest you temper your umbrage jsut a wee bit?

As for the rest of us who hold religious beliefs, believe me – we’re right along side you, shaking our heads at these insane spittle-emitters. Don’t lump anyone who holds a religious belief in with these or any other kinds of whackjobs. Don’t look for offense in what we may regard as innocent inquiries or a sincere desire to share what we believe in – after all, y’all are sharing your agnosticism/atheism as well. Realize that for every evangelist out there who won’t take the hint that you’re not interested in their brand of Jesus, there’s an atheist telling believers that they’re deluded, delusional and talking to imaginary friends way up in the sky. May the bitterest of these two meet in some fantastic matter/antimatter explosion, while the rest of us just go about our business, believing or not believing, but also generally getting along just fine.