Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What Motivates Me as A Voter

The 2010 primary is winding down, and after having gone to the polls to decide between conservatives and freakin’ conservatives with nuts and cherries on top, I have a few thoughts to share with would-be politicians out there.

Want to get my vote?

. . .

Um, can I get back to you on that?

In the meantime, I can offer this:

Want to lose my vote?
  • Have little kids sing a jumbled song in your radio commercials
  • Robo-call me*
  • Put up more than two campaign signs in quick succession. Do you hear me Mack Shirley Mack Shirley Mack Shirley?
  • Try to out-conservative your opponent, because I already know that nobody hates the communists more than Roy Ridnitz
  • After you lost your last bid for office, chastise voters as stupid for not voting for you, then go back to those same voters and ask them to reconsider voting for you
  • Be chauvinistic to my wife when you’re her drivers ed instructor
  • Be photographed eating a banana when you already kinda resemble a monkey
  • Hire (or allow the hire) of the single wealthiest business owner in this portion of the state to narrate your radio commercials in which he laments about your lack of personal fortune to pay for advertising
  • Lie to me
  • Say you’re running “because a lot of people asked me to.” Name five of them.
*Unless your opponent is a complete loon. Then again, I may just skip the race entirely on the ballot.

Okay – I’ve come up with one way to get my vote: Come to my door. This works for local, state and national politicians, unless of course you’re of the Hitler caliber. And unless you’re the aforementioned former drivers ed instructor.

Physically resembling your photo on your campaign literature is also a big plus. Nobody wants to vote for Sweet Polly Purebred and find out in reality they’ve elected Bib Fortuna.

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